MamaLoaf

2012-02-01T21:00:00.000-05:00

I was making it really hard on myself. And no one would know the difference--not even me a few months from now. Here's to taking the easy way!

2012-01-16T21:00:00.001-05:00

She was on my list of people to get back in touch with. And she called today. It was nice to think I was on someone else's list.

2012-01-15T21:00:00.004-05:00

It's amazing how doing something for myself--(and, admittedly, this is a big something)--changes my whole outlook.

2012-01-14T21:00:00.000-05:00

I'm learning every day--sometimes every hour, every minute--how my thoughts determine my reality. It really is all in my head.

2012-01-13T22:00:00.001-05:00

He calls them snow blurries. It wasn't much, but it was cause for hot chocolate.

2012-01-13T08:44:00.002-05:00

Joining along with Amanda today for {this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

2012-01-11T20:00:00.001-05:00

He went for a hike in the Gorge. I had to change my lunch plans, but I'm glad I did. It was the one thing he wanted to do over winter break.

2012-01-10T21:12:00.000-05:00

I am sure they think I'm crazy. If I weren't me, I would too.

2012-01-09T20:00:00.000-05:00

They're growing up, getting more independent. That's what I tell myself, anyway. I guess the same could be said of me about them.

2012-01-08T21:31:00.003-05:00

Let's hope this whole experience gives me more compassion. For myself and for others.

2012-01-07T20:00:00.001-05:00

We were handed a warm spring day. At the beginning of January. In between fevers, we stepped out to enjoy it.

2012-01-06T08:32:00.002-05:00

2012-01-05T21:00:00.003-05:00

We came to think about it differently--after a few nights' sleeps. A solution that sat well with both of us and hadn't even been considered before. Funny how that happens when you're open to it.

2012-01-04T21:10:00.002-05:00

No matter how much planning, preparation and introspection is done, each year brings with it a personality of its own. Four days in and 2012 is already showing its colors. I'm going to learn a lot in these 12 months.

2012-01-03T19:42:00.001-05:00

I forgot how it drops an octave at the end. Hearing it tonight gave me a chill. Maybe I'll resolve to learn it again this year.

2012-01-02T20:16:00.002-05:00

All day I found myself going from one side to the other. We said we'd sleep on it. I don't see how a night's sleep is going to make it clearer.

2012-01-01T20:41:00.003-05:00

You greeted us warm and fresh like a new spring morning. Oh, 2012--let's dream big together?

2011-12-30T17:56:00.001-05:00

So many things from 2011 that I want to let go. And even more that I want to embrace in 2012.

2011-12-28T20:00:00.001-05:00

This afternoon a major chapter of my adult life closed with a phone call. The deepest parts in me want to keep it open. If this is so right, why doesn't it feel better than this?

2011-12-26T21:00:00.000-05:00

Two very busy days for two very little boys...we all did remarkably well. And we're grateful to be back to normal again.

2011-12-24T21:00:00.000-05:00

We found baby Jesus stuffed far into the loveseat. All in all, it was cause for celebration.

2011-12-22T19:43:00.000-05:00

We soaked up the sun this afternoon. Listened to Jethro Tull. They played Legos. Leftovers for dinner. He lost the baby Jesus. We're all welcoming the return of light.

2011-12-21T19:56:00.000-05:00

She called today with the news. Oh yes. I'm definitely getting everything I could possibly want for Christmas.

2011-12-20T08:00:00.000-05:00

I told her there was a time when I wanted to be Chinese.

2011-12-19T05:00:00.000-05:00

He specifically requested Perry Como Home for the Holidays. We stole a moment to string a treat for the birds.

2011-12-18T05:00:00.001-05:00

Perhaps I read more into it than he intended. And if I did, I'd rather not know.

2011-12-17T05:00:00.000-05:00

I told her this would be really interesting if I wasn't so nervous.

2011-12-16T05:00:00.001-05:00

2011-12-15T05:00:00.000-05:00

I blinked and fall semester was over. By the time he returns, they'll be completely different kids. Here's to winter break.

the DNA we all share

2011-12-14T05:00:00.007-05:00

He sleeps between us and I snuggle nose-to-forehead in the dark to look at him, the product of our recombined chromosomes and I wonder what his DNA looks like.

When we worked at the historical society the genealogists joked that every weekend someone comes in claiming to be related to Charlemange and I never had much interest in my own lineage but I think it would be neat to be related to Charlemagne Palestine. Two generations is the furthest I go back to Memmy who lived to be a sharp-minded 90 and Grammie who at 88 has more pep and ambition than I've ever had and I hope the gametic chromosomes that created me contain DNA from these two women.

But at night, after supper, in this season of Advent we study a different family tree, one that we all share: the one that unites us with God. And the story begins in Eden with the fateful fruit that separated us from our true Spirit-heritage, a mistake that flawed our consciousness and our DNA and followed all of our soul-ancestors to the most astounding, wondrous, craziest of all things possible, that God, building himself in bone and muscle and sinew and dressing in skin to become a body with perfect DNA, was born into a family, a baby who grew on mother's milk and Father's love to humbly walk alongside his creations and boldly show us the way back to him. And each night we twist and coil relationship, strung through our spirit-chromosomes to genes transcribing new growth from a sleeping tree lopped off at its base by a snake and an apple and a couple with a mind of their own, long before Jesse's youngest son had been anointed king; one leading to the hand-hewn rugged tree high on a hill named Calvary that returns us all to God. And scientists can only trace genetic material back so far before life becomes theory but our Spirit selves know the exact moment when life began and our soul-DNA makes us children of God, siblings to Christ.

(Jesse tree scripture, devotionals and ornaments can be found here…maybe for next year?)

(a post from last December...doing this again, an Advent tradition...linking with Ann today)

2011-12-13T05:00:00.001-05:00

Lately I find myself trying to conjure up the confidence I had at twenty-three.

2011-12-12T05:00:00.000-05:00

I stood between the rising sun and the full, setting moon, three orbs aligned. For a moment, we were held still.

2011-12-11T05:00:00.004-05:00

It's familiar alright, but it's a very long time since I've been here.

2011-12-10T05:00:00.001-05:00

I enjoyed talking on the radio as much as being up there. More, maybe.

2011-12-09T05:00:00.001-05:00

2011-12-08T05:00:00.001-05:00

I was surprised at how many people couldn't believe I deleted my facebook page.

wait and see

2011-12-07T10:16:00.005-05:00

It is the season of waiting and we wait.

Mary's belly swells two centuries ago and I am reminded of my own swollen self in August heat and I remember the waiting. In the waiting, wondering what he would look like and did she also wonder what her infant savior would look like?

I make granola and almost every day packages arrive in the mail to be dressed in pretty paper and the most important delivery is four cards--eight chickens and a goat for five families. A boy cups two yellow chicks and this is what Mary's baby looks like.

I have a pile of cards to write and I am late getting them in the mail this year and there are still two gifts I ordered...will they arrive in time and should I bother baking cookies when we will probably eat them all in a day and I hear Mary's child, a man-gentle, softly smile 'don't worry…'

White letters divide two cities on a building where men sleep and eat and lives are changed. People drop bags of groceries and frozen turkeys and He breathes thank you and did she ever imagine He would look like Christmas dinner for the homeless?

When I try to imagine his almost-four-month-old face in a few years I sit in curious wonder at what it will be. Because when the years have passed and he is a boy I will look back and say, of course! I recognize you, just as I do with his brother.

And she too, did she look back at His meager beginnings, God-as-man born in a stable, and recognize how infancy grew to be the One who breathed humility and walked in servanthood and taught us to see as little children, and yet held the power to conquer death and redeem humankind?

And I can tell her that I have seen her soul-saving Son in chickens and eggs and goats and frozen turkeys and canned vegetables and flood-lit signs saying God is Love and that He lives in us if we dare to believe.

We wait for His coming. And while we wait, we see Him everywhere.

(...a post from last December...still relevant. Linking with Ann today...)

2011-12-06T05:00:00.001-05:00

She tells me (in front of all the other parents) that he's such a joy. It was a heart-swelling moment and somehow I knew that no matter what we decide, it will all be okay.

2011-12-06T05:00:00.000-05:00

I used to have a subscription to the New York Times. The Wall Street Journal too. Sometimes I miss that. Until I remember I don't have a quiet moment to read the paper anymore.

2011-12-05T05:00:00.001-05:00

She answered my freecycle offer for the breast pump. And since she came to pick it up, I can't help but wonder if I made the wrong choice.

2011-12-04T20:25:00.003-05:00

Oh, I have so much to learn.

2011-12-03T20:00:00.000-05:00

This morning--for a while anyway--I was more like the person I want to be.

2011-12-02T21:00:00.000-05:00

It was still uncomfortable, but not nearly in the same way had he been there. I would say I got the miracle I asked for.

2011-12-02T05:00:00.000-05:00

I can't help but think the whole thing happened to make me realize that sometimes there isn't more to the story.

2011-12-01T18:12:00.003-05:00

Okay, December. Show me whatcha got. I'm ready.

2011-12-01T05:00:00.000-05:00

Yesterday November ended as it should, with hats and mittens and promising snow. But Tuesday's juxtaposed Christmas records and warm open-window breeze were a cherished gift.

2011-11-30T05:00:00.000-05:00

He tells me my testimony is vital. And from his perspective, I guess it is. In any event, I think I can start enjoying this season once it's all over.

2011-11-29T05:00:00.001-05:00

I think that between now and Friday I'm expecting a miracle. Actually if I walk out of the courtroom and never have to go back, that will be enough.

2011-11-28T19:04:00.001-05:00

He opened his curtains and said look Mummy, a rainbow sky!

2011-11-27T22:00:00.000-05:00

I'm surprised at how much I expected from Him--all my life, really--without doing anything in return. (368-370. Advent, heart-preparation, giving thanks and making room)

2011-11-26T21:00:00.000-05:00

Home inspection completed without a hitch. We watched the kids for them. One more step and it's the big one.

2011-11-25T22:00:00.000-05:00

He remembered some of this from last year, and next year, he'll definitely remember. It's starting to feel more like tradition, having his memories along.

2011-11-24T22:00:00.001-05:00

Suddenly I looked up from my knitting and said 'are we in New Jersey?' Thankful that we could all be there.

2011-11-23T05:00:00.001-05:00

I got the Christmas records out last week, against our unwritten rule of waiting until Thanksgiving eve. Today he baked pumpkin pies. I got a crown on #19.

2011-11-22T05:00:00.000-05:00

I found myself picking up little bits as we walked through the yard. I emptied my pockets on the dryer and smiled.

2011-11-21T05:00:00.006-05:00

340. making plans for Thanksgiving day

2011-11-20T05:00:00.005-05:00

I got caught up in the excitement and found myself volunteering for more than I can handle right now.

2011-11-19T05:00:00.003-05:00

A late morning nap with him. We both needed it. It had been a horrendous night.

2011-11-17T05:00:00.000-05:00

He said, this is how I want to remember her. Seen and not heard.

2011-11-15T05:00:00.000-05:00

I told him it would be a great place to work. But I think I like being a patient better than an employee.

2011-11-14T05:00:00.000-05:00

It wasn't until the weekend was almost over that I realized what a miracle and privilege this is.

2011-11-13T05:00:00.000-05:00

So many things have to fall into place if it's meant to be.

2011-11-12T05:00:00.000-05:00

The sounds and smells took me back to summer camp. I told her about Nicaragua. And forgot how I wanted to be a dentist.

2011-11-11T05:00:00.001-05:00

I've been seeing him as a baby far longer than anyone else. But lately he's definitely becoming more boy than baby.

2011-11-10T05:00:00.000-05:00

I scrolled through snapshots of his entire life.

2011-11-09T05:00:00.003-05:00

Sometimes an hour's discussion can be summed up in one sentence. That's how it was last night.

2011-11-08T05:00:00.000-05:00

We changed our minds and he got there late. Even so, he's thriving. We all are.

2011-11-07T05:00:00.000-05:00

I wrote out my list of what I most want to accomplish in life. It took less time than writing my to do list. This should tell me something.

2011-11-06T05:00:00.001-05:00

Lately I've been thinking of the concept of enough. 'Just enough' really.

2011-11-01T05:00:00.001-04:00

I put it all down on one big list, disorganized and all. And in a day I did more than I have in months.

2011-10-31T05:00:00.000-04:00

What if I introspected about all that's right about me?

2011-10-28T05:00:00.001-04:00

I read that the crisis age is between 12 and 18 months. I hope he outgrows this quickly. I don't think I can make it to February on such little sleep.

2011-10-15T05:00:00.000-04:00

I want to tell them that I would love to go. But I just can't make it work on their terms.

2011-10-14T05:00:00.001-04:00

The only redeeming thing about the meal was the homemade bread. And in the end I wished I had used a store-bought loaf instead.

2011-10-13T05:00:00.000-04:00

Every season, the clothes on the line get bigger.

2011-10-12T05:00:00.000-04:00

We shared a good laugh over the different disguises I could wear. It provided the much needed levity.

2011-10-11T05:00:00.001-04:00

If I take things how they are there would be no frustration over how I think they should be.

2011-10-10T05:00:00.002-04:00

I looked at the clock and couldn't believe it was only eleven. I made lunch for them anyway. I tried to push this day along.

2011-10-09T05:00:00.002-04:00

I'm really surprised at how much is expected of me.

2011-10-08T05:00:00.000-04:00

He squealed uninhibited as the lid rose. We all did, really. I only wish we had filmed him.

2011-10-07T05:00:00.002-04:00

We listened to Wabi Sabi in the car. I've started looking for it again. And finding it.

2011-10-06T05:00:00.000-04:00

I caught up on more than a year of photos…how they've changed. I wish I could say the same of me.

2011-10-05T05:00:00.000-04:00

I actually forgot what time of the year it was. I'm usually giddy with anticipation. It's a sign I've been away too long.

2011-10-04T05:00:00.000-04:00

It has been my experience that certified mail rarely brings any good news. Today was no exception.

2011-10-03T05:00:00.006-04:00

We celebrated 36 three times in three days. She even called on my birthday. I didn't remind her. (296. being surrounded by friends and family and so much love)

2011-10-02T05:00:00.000-04:00

They came with a cake and candles. Just for me. Another year and I am so very blessed.

2011-10-01T05:00:00.001-04:00

Oh October. Please keep your promises.

2011-09-30T05:00:00.000-04:00

Joining along with Amanda today for {this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

2011-09-29T05:00:00.000-04:00

I spent the week taking them outside of my comfort zone.

2011-09-28T05:00:00.006-04:00

She told him that once you start getting a good night's sleep, it seems possible to do this. We're almost there.

2011-09-27T05:00:00.002-04:00

He said it was like one of those biblical plagues--mosquitos and black walnuts. Our hands and knees will be stained for a week. But we worked together, each in our own way, and it's true: many hands do make work light.

2011-09-26T05:00:00.001-04:00

We all spent some time this weekend crying it out. (295. a good night's sleep)

2011-09-25T05:00:00.000-04:00

We were new student workers in the library and that night he asked me if it was coffee or something more. Seventeen years later? Definitely something more.

2011-09-24T05:00:00.000-04:00

I told him I think tile floors are overrated.

2011-09-23T05:00:00.001-04:00

2011-09-22T05:00:00.000-04:00

When I got home he reminded me that we haven't gone since before Victor was born. I went by myself for the first time.

2011-09-21T05:00:00.001-04:00

I found the potato masher in the recycling bin. There was a magnet in the teapot and the teapot lid next to the coffee can. He likes to hide things.

2011-09-20T05:00:00.000-04:00

He called to have the furnace cleaned and serviced. We traded our shorts for long pants and bare feet for socks. I started knitting something new. It all happened so suddenly.

2011-09-19T05:00:00.004-04:00

This weekend, for the first time ever, it really felt like war. And I fought hard for joy. And won. (294. our home, for seven years today, and how it has changed us, how we have changed in that time)

2011-09-18T05:00:00.000-04:00

I laugh and tell her how cute the kids are. And she knows what I'm really thinking.